GUEST BLOGGER
ESTHER BAILEY-BASS
LIFE & TRANSITIONAL COACH
EBB 'N FLOW LIFE LEADERSHIP COACHING
When I was 10, 12, and 14 years of age, I was my most brilliant self. I would enjoy a good foot race against a boy, climbing trees, dumpster diving, riding my bicycle and traversing the city on the local transit. I was a child who read Readers Digest, wrote poetry and drew palm trees. To sum it up, I was intuitive, observant and self-reflective. That all changed when I went to college.
Although I wanted to go away to college, I was too afraid to go out-of-state. So, I attended a small liberal arts college, a forty-minute drive outside the city. It was there I found I wasn't the prettiest, nor the smartest or even the fastest. The competition was fierce, and I felt socially awkward. College rattled my sense of self. Nevertheless, I persevered through all the challenges. As I struggled with my identity crisis and insecurities, I eventually graduated.
Now a college graduate, I found myself unclear of my future. I was working, my pseudo residential cleaning business, when I unexpectedly sighted a boy-crush from junior high school at a local bank. It was a chance encounter, and one that I desperately tried to avoid. As I remember it, I was standing in the bank line waiting to cash a check, and to my right there he stood. I prayed that he would not notice me, and hoped to escape before he did. But that was not meant to be.
Just as I exited the bank and turned the corner to get into my red Toyota Tercel, I heard his voice call my name. I tried to ignore him, but he called out again, prompting me to answer. We stood there sizing up each other under the appearance of “small talk.” We exchanged telephone numbers and I went about my day as normal. How we managed to hook up is a blur now. However, this chance encounter forever changed my life.
Naive! Even at 25, I was so incredibly unaware and inexperienced. How could this happen? Why did this happen? I didn't understand how my choices resulted in this. I was so disconnected from my values that I didn't see what was coming. Nothing good, honest or promising would come from this relationship. And now, it was too late to undo this mess. I was 25. I was pregnant. Ashamed. Morally embarrassed by my choices. I had to save my ego.
16218 Seville Drive is where I went to escape and avoid the consequences. There I hid myself from my family and the world. In that place, desperate and alone, I made a fateful decision to have an abortion. For years and decades, I carried an incredible sense of guilt and regret. FEAR had become my Governor. As my life evolved, nearly every decision I made was dictated by fear. In my mind, fear created a narrative that I would lose my Mother's love, disappoint my Grandmother and be a poor example to my younger sisters.
My only resolve was to hide this experience and event from those who were most important to me. I can recall a brief conversation with my Mother shortly after the abortion. We were sitting in the kitchen of my childhood home when my Mother recounted a dream she had about me. In the dream, she said there was a baby. Surprised and shocked I knew the only way to release myself from all the lies was to tell the truth. So, I did, and what followed was so unexpected. My Mother's words and compassion helped to change that narrative I had been telling myself. However, regret and guilt weighed heavily on me. How would I ever recover?
For more than twenty years I have suffered from that one regrettable decision believing that I was undeserving of a child, undeserving of love, undeserving to be a mother. It has been a difficult life-lesson to wrap around, and still I have tender wounds. However, today I am happily married, in a loving and committed relationship.
My relationship with my life partner has been foundational toward forgiving myself. I now know how loved I am, exactly as I am and for who I am, despite my transgressions. My personal resolve and constitution are stronger. My inner-wisdom is my GSP, helping me process my way through life's challenges. I have re-established my relationship with fear. Meaning, I understand the role of fear and how to move through it.
What I hope for you is unconditional love and stronger muscles to handle your fears. I hope for you to connect more deeply with your values, never allowing yourself to compromise who you are, or to act out of desperation.
Esther Bailey-Bass
Guest Blogger
EBB 'n Flow Life Leadership Coach
www.ebbnflowcoaching.com