Submitted: anonymously
It’s challenging to be 43 and single, not because there is anything wrong with being single, or even that there SHOULD be anything inherently wrong with not being in a relationship or married. However, for that very reason society tells us that single and happy is wrong and selfish. Naturally this leaves us to feel like we have to live up to the expectations someone else dreamed for our life, or forever be labeled a domestically-challenged individual who must not really want a commitment.
This is the message I always hear. I am constantly bombarded with people trying to set me up on dates and introduce me to men they barely know, but have “heard” about. “Oh, he’s from a good family. He’s a physician, an attorney, an engineer, a businessman…basically a male with a pulse. All it takes to fill the requirements is a penis and a beating heart! Come on, is that all I have to choose from? Does it even matter if we are attracted to each other, or have at least some fundamental things in common? No, that's not the way I hear it. The silent message I hear is that I should just be happy that a man asks me out, and if I’m really lucky he will remember to ask me out again.
As a little girl, I never fathomed that I would still be single in my 40’s, without children to call my own. Growing up I had such dreams for myself regarding how I thought life would turn out, I simply had a timeline set up for my life that did not turn out like I had hoped. I thought I’d get married by 30 and have 4 children by 40. Getting married early like a lot of my friends who were either getting married to escape the strict rules of their parents household, or because they were avoiding an education and wanted to settle down right away was no reason for me to rush life. I thought I had time. I thought, I should wait until after I lived my life, dated and moved out of my parent’s house. I wanted to finish my education and work on my career as an artist. I wanted to be established on my own, so that I wouldn’t have to rely on a man to take care of me. I wanted to have the independence that would afford me security and a reasonable form of happiness!
Well, obviously that didn’t happen, and here I am alone and lonely. My heart aches for that human connection and intimacy one only really finds with a life mate, a companion. Being on my own from my early twenties and into my thirties seemed just fine. I really tried to live my life to the fullest while single. I had some long-term relationships and was even engaged once, but nothing ever concluded with vows made at the altar. After a while of being a member on many online dating services and various dead-end dates, I started to give up. It just isn’t as easy as it used to be to meet someone you could see living out forever with.
But all of that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the true issue. Why should I get married? I mean, what is this obsession everyone around me has of me getting married? As if it’s the end all and be all of who I am as a person. Is that what really defines me, the fact that I’m an unwed woman in her 40’s? Am I nothing else but a vessel to carry a child and make a home with a man? Is there absolutely nothing else to me than this one little HUGE detail? Whenever around family, whether close or just acquaintances, the very first thing they say to me is “When are you getting married?” I don’t know!!! Like how about when I meet a decent human being who is not 20 years older than me and looks older than my dad! Why is it any of their business why I am single and why I’m not married yet? It’s not like I don’t totally, and with every fiber of my being, want to be married. It’s just that I am NOT willing to settle. I refuse to settle. I‘ve seen far too many people do that either ending up in divorce or a horrible marriage. What’s the point?
“She must be picky,” they say. Yes. Yes THAT’s it. I’m picky. I choose to pick a man. A real man. Someone with integrity, compassion, humility, humor and a zest for life. A man that is confident in who he is, and makes no apologies for what he stands for and believes in. No wishy-washy man for me. And nowadays, that means the pickings are slim.
I am single. I am single because I choose to be happy by myself instead of miserable with someone. I am not looking for prince charming, but for the man who will compliment me, NOT complete me. I had love once, something pretty close, so I know it must still exist somewhere. I didn’t want to get married until I felt I was in a good place in my mind and in my heart to receive it and enjoy it.
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